[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Occasionally, I’ll put aside writing my usual column, Doing Write, to address the cultural and social issues that interest me and feed my creativity. I’m calling these entries Flotsam & Jetsam. It’s a title that seems best to reflect the random nature of the fevered musings I’ll be sharing here!] 

 

I confess. I love Avatar. Yes, yes, I’m well aware of its shortcomings, particularly storywise. And I share little of the cultural/political worldview that informs it. But I do identify with the hero, Jake Sully. Not because I think I’m like him, but rather because I wish I had more of his attributes – his courage, his loyalty, his childlike sense of curiosity and wonder. 

Then, there’s the look of the film – its extraordinary, eye-popping CG imagery – and the technological breakthroughs that enabled it. Most other sci-fi/fantasy films (there are notable exceptions) require more than a little “suspension of disbelief.”  This film – visually, at least – presents an alien world that’s thoroughly immersive and utterly convincing in spite of its strangeness. 

So, yes, I love Avatar. Not so, one of my coworkers. Having just viewed the film on DVD, he came in the next day expressing, shall we say, extreme distaste for it. Though I respect him and his views, I decided to have a little fun with him. Hence, I wrote the following: 

 

—- o —- 

COMING TO TERMS WITH AVATAR

A GUIDE FOR THE INTRACTABLY BELLIGERENT

by

Dale Allen Steinke

Author of the Best-selling Novel Why Can’t I Remember My Name?

[Okay, I confess again: I’m joking. I haven’t written, let alone published, any such book.

But I do forget my name sometimes.] 

 

Avatar is a good movie. A really, really good movie. Honest. You just don’t see it that way because, well … you’ve got some ridiculous notion that a film should:

•  have an original plot
•  have an unpredictable plot
•  have a comprehensible plot
•  have a plot—period. 

What? Are you dreaming? Come on! All you need in a movie is pretty pictures. And sentiment … lots of ooey-gooey sentiment. The more politically correct, the better. 

Oh, I know: You say you “appreciate” Avatar’s special effects. But that’s just to ward off argument. You want Story. Character. Wit. Humor. Intelligence. 

Well, you’re not going to get it here! 

You need to relax. Lower your expectations. Try a few of the suggestions below, and see if they don’t bring you to assess Avatar anew. 

• Hug a tree (checking it first for termites and poison ivy).
• Renounce the evils of Capitalism and redistribute your wealth to the poor and needy—namely, Me!
• Empathize with the Na’vi. Dye your skin blue with food coloring and run around your neighborhood in a brown leather thong. Spear, optional.
• Walk right up to strangers, look them in the eye, and solemnly say, “I see you.” (Check your medical insurance coverage first.)
• Pretend your Doberman’s a Leonopteryx and see how far and how high you can fly him. (Heed medical insurance note above.)
• Send a “thank you” card to Kevin Costner for his Avatar-inspiring predecessor, Dances With Wolves.
• Liven up nighttime patio parties: Paint backyard critters with fluorescent Dayglo^® colors to simulate bioluminescence. (Squirrels will be tricky.)
• Entwine the ends of your ponytail with the mane of a lion and see how quickly you “become one” with him. Don’t have a ponytail? Use your nose hair. (Medical insurance? I doubt this is covered, anyway.)

If you’ve done all this and still hate Avatar, serious psychotherapy may be in order. I won’t give up. I’ll make an Avatar lover out of you yet!